Hawk Calls A Meeting
by Red Witch
Summary: Another bit of insanity that ran through my mind. The title says it all.


**Disclaimer: Don't own GI Joe. Sorry. I wanted to write another Joe fic and this was all I could think up at the time.**

**Hawk Calls a Meeting**

"Well Joes," General Hawk said as he stood at the podium. "Here we are again. Boy these monthly meetings just seem to fly by one after another don't they? Okay first up, It's about the shower incident this morning. Now I do not believe for one minute that that hole just happened to be there for four months without people looking through it. I mean the videotaping was bad enough, but to charge five bucks a tape? Now I have said this over and over and I am going to say it again: You women stop it! The men on this base are not your playtoys or boytoys or whatever you call it! I am serious about this. You are lucky most of the guys are not interested in pressing charges. Now I want the equipment and the videotape confiscated and turned in by the end of the day! You hear me? And don't think I don't know about the little bets you have about how long a guy's…Never mind! Just cut it out!"

"Spoilsport," Scarlet grumbled.

"Excuse me!" Shipwreck stood up. "I'd like to say something about this. About you women using us guys as sex objects…I'm all for it! Just let me know ladies! I'm on call anytime day or night! I am available! I'm willing! I'm able!"

"Shipwreck sit down! Okay," Hawk sighed. "Now I'd like to make a statement. Now I know lately things have been a little crazy around here lately and I like a good joke as much as the next fellow…but whoever stuck Beach Head to the ceiling with superglue please come forward. I know it's one of you guys that are geniuses with chemicals. Of course, that describes half the base, but all the same could you please help us get him down? It's been nearly two days now and I admit it was funny at first but now he's really starting to look pathetic up there so please. I won't have any charges pressed against you, I just want him to stop crying."

"Now to other matters. I want to congratulate those Joes who taught camouflage class yesterday. Footloose, Recondo you two did an excellent job teaching yesterday's class how to camouflage cannons and mobile missiles and even a tank. However I think you did your job a little too well because now we can't find them. I mean we've looked in the bushes and the trees and in the garbage dumpsters and nobody can find any of them. I'm not being picky, but I don't wanna have to write to Washington explaining how we lost eight cannons, a dozen missles and a tank without even having to go into battle. They already think this unit is nuts after the incident with the helicopter and the shaving cream. So if you two could please help us out I'd appreciate it."

"Now…"Hawk began but was interrupted by a commotion in the back.

"You take that back!" 

"Make me!"

"With pleasure!"

"Leatherneck! Wet Suit! Knock it off!" Hawk shouted. "What is so important that you had to disrupt the meeting?"

"We're…having a disagreement sir," Wet Suit said.

"Obviously," Hawk rested his arms on the platform. "Okay, what great debate are you two on about now?"

"I say Mary-Ann is better than Ginger on Gilligan's Island!" Leatherneck said.

"You lie, Ginger is much better than Mary-Ann!" Wet Suit retorted.

"Mary-Ann!"

"Ginger!"

"Oh for crying out loud!" Hawk groaned. "Do I have to go through this at every meeting? Leatherneck! Wet Suit! Pipe down and behave yourselves! I'm sick and tired of you two going at it like a couple of hyperactive cranky preschoolers!"

"He started it," Wet Suit grumbled.

"Did not," Leatherneck snapped.

"JUST SHUT UP!" Hawk snapped. "If I have to hear you two one more time you are going to spend the rest of the day standing in opposite corners. Then you are all going to write a thousand times "I will learn to get along with other people" Do you understand me?"

"Yes sir," They both sunk in their seats.

"Okay…where was I before the terrible twosome distracted me?" Hawk consulted his notes. "Now we have finally got a system for people to watch the TV programs they want without getting into fights. We have a new sign up list that is simple to follow. Of course it would have been better if we had this system before Low Light shot out the TV screen but there you are."

"And now," Hawk said. "Our new program, were we all vote for the Joe of the month. The Joe of the Month not only gets an extra week's furlough, but also will be an honorary officer. It's a little idea thought up by Psyche-Out in order to improve morale. And this month's winner is…Sergeant Snuffles," He brought out a teddy bear to the amusement of the Joes. "Yes, I could see by the unanimous write in votes that you are all giving this program the consideration it deserves."

"Three cheers for Sergeant Snuffles!" Dusty shouted.

"Hip Hip Hooray!" Rang a chorus of happy Joes.

"Let's have a parade!" Cover Girl shouted. 

"All right! That's enough!" Hawk shouted. "Well that was a brilliant idea. All right. Now what else? Oh I have some interesting news about our furry friends here on the base. This is directed to our dog handlers on the base from Snake Eyes. He'd like a word with both Law and Mutt later on today. It's about Timber."

"Yeah," Law spoke up. "I saw the old boy wasn't looking too good. Is he okay?"

"Oh fine," Hawk said. "Fine. Timber's doing well. Just had a litter of three puppies. Turns out Timber's a girl! It would have been nice if somebody had mentioned that earlier! Anyway, Lifeline wants to do a paternity test to find out who's the father."

"Well it ain't my dog!" Mutt defended. "I took care of that!"

"Oh he's…" Hawk began.

"No I gave him a bunch of condoms," Mutt said proudly.

Hawk looked at him incredulously. "O-Kay, moving on…"

"Mutt you spend way too much time with Junkyard," Alpine groaned.

"More like the other way around," Low Light said.

"Okay a few more random thoughts," Hawk said. "I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't want any more games in the medical unit. I nearly got killed during your last round of 'Wheelchair Bowling'. I also want you guys to quit having food fights in the cafeteria!"

"We have to!" Shipwreck said. "If we don't our only other available option is eating it!"

"Pressing onward," Hawk continued. "I'd like what's been going on in the laundry room to stop! Obviously laundry isn't getting done in there."

Everyone turned to look at Flint and Lady Jaye. "What?" She asked indignantly.

"Come off your high horse," Shipwreck told her. "We all know what you and Flint get up to in there!"

"Oh yeah like we're the only ones!" Lady Jaye glared at Scarlet and Cover Girl.

"Shut up," Scarlet muttered. 

"I've never done that in the laundry room!" Cover Girl protested.

"Yeah!" Cross-Country shouted. "We did it in a tank once but…"

"Will you keep your big mouth shut?" Cover Girl shouted.

"Wait a minute," Dusty stood up. "You were with him? When?"

"Uh…Can we wrap this up?" Cover Girl blushed.

"What's it to you?" Cross-Country asked.

"Because she was with me last night!" Dusty shouted.

"WHAT?"

"Uh oh…" Hawk moaned.

"You been hanging around my girl?" Cross-Country shouted.

"She's my girl!" Dusty shouted.

"Busted," Shipwreck snickered.

"Oh you are gonna pay! Take that!" Dusty ran over and punched Cross-Country in the mouth. Several Joes tried to stop the fight while Low Light and Snow Job were taking bets from other Joes on who would win. Cover Girl, Lady Jaye and Scarlet were arguing as well. Then that turned into a brawl with more betting.

"I got five on Dusty!"

"Ten-spot on Red!"

"Go Lady Jaye Go!"

"Hey Hawk!" Wet Suit said excitedly. "Someone's fighting besides us!"

"Come on Sergeant Snuffles," Hawk clutched the teddy bear as he left the podium. "Let's go on vacation."


End file.
